Remember Puff, the magical little iPhone app that lets you blow into your phone’s microphone for the endless upskirting of Japanese girls? Neither do we!
Lucky for you though it’s back and better than ever…for the second time in as many years.
Created by a team of Japanese lab rats locked up in a Chinese manufacturing plant owned by Foxconn, the new Puff upskirt app has a whole list of improved features that will blow your perverted mind away! (that’s our second “blow” joke thus far, to which we promise many many more).
So what features make this iteration of Puff much more magical than its predecessors you ask? Ummmmmmmm, the new technical specs of the iPhone 6 help, but lets start with what’s not on the mobile app anymore!
Bad Mobile Upskirting Techniques
1. Macedonian Women Are Ugly
With the exception of a handful of Macedonian maidens, the general populace of Macedonia suffers from what we like to call “sick-looking, cold-weathered white people syndrome.” That’s right, we said it, Macedonian people are UGLY (apologies to Katarina Ivanovska and NBA superstar Pero Antic).
However, for those of you not in the know, just last year the Puff upskirt app was re-released to the world. The problem: the update only included the addition of several Macedonian “supermodels.”
Which Macedonian supermodels you ask? NOT the good ones (see pictures below).
So what changed in this regard? EVERYTHING!
No longer does a majority Macedonian board of directors reside over the fate of the Japanese app! Gone are the days of bulimic supermodel A’idah Takashmanovski, two-time hotdog eating champion Ejan Milosevic, and Chow, The Official Mascot of the Macedonian Treasury Department who also happens to be a dog.
So what do we get in exchange? Read a little further to find out!
2. Panties! Panties! Panties!
Even the most amateur of upskirt mobile blowers will tell you that the Puff 2.0 upgrade lacked a serious selection of panties. That problem is no more!
Kia Motors Park, lead developer of the Puff application and avid panty connoisseur, was far from candid when asked about what improvements the development team made to the newest version.
“Well, we no longer use RubyMotion to code.”
Interesting. Luckily Mr. Park espoused a little bit more in a followup interview with the North Korean state news agency Gorgonzola.
“Right away we knew the selection of upskirts was far from optimal in our most recent update. To upgrade our customer experience and really give the consumer something we knew they wanted, we went back to the basics.”
What basics you ask?
“About a month after the the 2.0 release we got together as a team and really asked ourselves how can we improve the UX? After a series of discussions it was determined we’d conduct field tests to really hone the actual user experience. Random public face-sittings, detailed skirt-to-knee measurements, and precise wind calculations using the most advanced anemometer technology in the wind measuring field gained us the data points we knew we needed to have.
Essentially we’ve captured the essence of every form of panty known to women, from the third laced stitch of a pair of low-cut briefs to the finest degree of mesh in any micro-thong. This is the competitive advantage that we knew we needed to have in order to gain a leg up on the competition.”
In conclusion it’s safe to say that all of us win, from the most ardent of panty connoisseurs to the most avid of wind technologists.
Upskirting Done Right!
While it’s easy to see where Puff 2.0 went wrong, lets look at where Puff 3.0 went right!
1. International Upskirts
Gone is the Macedonian oligarch that ruled the Puff universe and was rivaled by that of only the Russian meritocracy. In is a new board of fresh faces from all corners of the Earth.
So how do we benefit as consumers? More international women, that’s how!
New to the world of digital upksirting are the likes of Shia Shamoon, a devout Iraqi-born burka supermodel whom ISIS declares a threat to the international community. Also making the rounds are Adwoa Afia who serves as Uganda’s Director of National Security, presidential candidate elect Hillary Rodham Clinton, and Robin William’s reincarnated female self (to name a few).
“It was imperative we add a new selection of color” Kia ignorantly stated. ”Finding a new international flavor of skirts and panties will only add to our worldwide acclaim”
It’s said that a total of 2,827 women were added to the newest catalogue of females looking to have their rear ends digitally exposed to the masses. A number Mr. Park is very happy about indeed.
“I counted a total of 2,827 unique panties in all,” gleaned Mr.Park, “and there’s not a single pair I don’t forget.”
So, whether you’re muslim, christian, atheist, or flat out gay, Puff 3.0 is without a doubt the upskirting iPhone app for you…..and if it isn’t, don’t tell Mr. Park.
2. Increased Blowing Radius
One of the major flaws in the earliest days of the Puff application wasn’t so much the content, but rather the technical aspects of the iPhone device itself.
Well fear no more people as Mr. Park and his gang of Merry Men (iOS developers) all but alleviated this conundrum plaguing the upskirting community throughout.
In an open letter to the United Nations, Kia noted how several upgrades in the iPhone 6 hardware allow for a far greater end user blowing radius than any of its iPhone predecessors.
“What the iPhone 5 lacked in patented microphone blowing specs has all but been obliterated by the newest release of the iPhone. My team and I saw firsthand what the inside of the new iPhone 6 would look like when we were locked up inside the Foxconn plant strategizing our newest update. Having this knowledge in-hand before it was made public allowed us to act fast and really test the depths of this newest microphone installment.”
Cool…we think. Kia wasn’t done though.
“Wind speed, velocity, direction and distance were all variables we were able to test as a team. Also taken into consideration was the lung capacity of the average human being as well as the greatest statistical outlier of human being known to the human race. On average, a typical 220lb homo sapien can lift a skirt from 120 feet away. And ‘YES’ we use the standard American measurement of length!”
Double cool! We find it hard to believe that ANY upskirting professional wouldn’t be turned on by this perverse feat of technological innovation.
3. Anyone Can Upskirt
The coolest feature of all (unless you’re talking to your local paritioner) is the ability to add women to your catalogue on the fly.
Yep, Apple Pay sure has its perks!
“Again, i’ve said it a million times” said Mr. Park, “our quantitative selection of women in the Puff 2.0 update was far from satisfactory. The newest update, we told ourselves, would have the built-in functionality for end users to constantly expand the reserves of women in their individual profiles. How did we do it? Quite simply put, Apple Pay.”
Sometimes Mr. Park speaks so eloquently for English not being his first language. But we digress.
According to Mr. Park the idea came from a recent episode of Bang Bus he viewed online.
“What bang bus did for guys in vans we want to do for men holding phones. Pick a girl up on the street, send her a few virtual E-dollars, and bam, she’s in your phone for life!”
Well Tim Cook, speaking on behalf of all upskirt enthusiasts everywhere, we’d like to extend a virtual “thank you” to all the Apple developers out there.
Puff 3.0 iPhone Beta Catching On?
To answer our headlining question above, quite simply “yes,” the Puff beta 3.0 rollout has been a monumental hit thus far.
Open to only a handful of diehard Japanese male upskirt professionals who are quite skilled in the art of blowing, the 3.0 beta will open up to a much larger user population quite soon. In the meantime, check out some of the feedback from the beta testers below.
-Hans Hula-Hands [Beta Tester]
Totally sounds legit. Or how bout this gem Mr. Marimotto left us?
I very much happy!
Very cool. Lastly we stumbled upon this crown of royal jewels in an online forum detailing baby powder recalls from the late 1990′s!
Sounds fun. Well folks, if you aren’t already, please be on the lookout for Puff 3.0 as it hits Apple App stores all across the beautiful seas!
Please also check out our recently convicted CEO Mr. Hans H1N1 Hula-Hands blow his last free breathes of air using Puff! below.