The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

Remember Puff, the magical little iPhone app that lets you blow into your phone’s microphone for the endless upskirting of Japanese girls? Neither do we!

puff upskirt iphone app 707x1024 The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

YES! The Japanese upskirt app Puff was a real app!

Lucky for you though it’s back and better than ever…for the second time in as many years.

Created by a team of Japanese lab rats locked up in a Chinese manufacturing plant owned by Foxconn, the new Puff upskirt app has a whole list of improved features that will blow your perverted mind away! (that’s our second “blow” joke thus far, to which we promise many many more).

Japanese iPhone lab rats foxconn The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

No upskirting iPhone app would be complete w/out a japanese development behind it

So what features make this iteration of Puff much more magical than its predecessors you ask? Ummmmmmmm, the new technical specs of the iPhone 6 help, but lets start with what’s not on the mobile app anymore!

Bad Mobile Upskirting Techniques

1. Macedonian Women Are Ugly

With the exception of a handful of Macedonian maidens, the general populace of Macedonia suffers from what we like to call “sick-looking, cold-weathered white people syndrome.”  That’s right, we said it, Macedonian people are UGLY (apologies to Katarina Ivanovska and NBA superstar Pero Antic).

Katrina Ivanovska Macedonia model 222x300 The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

Just about the only good export to leave Macedonia

 

Pero Antic Macedonia NBA 300x199 The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

He’s beautiful…or so we’re told

 

However, for those of you not in the know, just last year the Puff upskirt app was re-released to the world.  The problem: the update only included the addition of several Macedonian “supermodels.”

Which Macedonian supermodels you ask? NOT the good ones (see pictures below).

bulimic_macedonia_upskirt_model

Picture 1 of 3

 

So what changed in this regard? EVERYTHING!

No longer does a majority Macedonian board of directors reside over the fate of the Japanese app!  Gone are the days of bulimic supermodel A’idah Takashmanovski, two-time hotdog eating champion Ejan Milosevic, and Chow, The Official Mascot of the Macedonian Treasury Department who also happens to be a dog.

So what do we get in exchange?  Read a little further to find out!

2. Panties! Panties! Panties!

Even the most amateur of upskirt mobile blowers will tell you that the Puff 2.0 upgrade lacked a serious selection of panties.  That problem is no more!

Kia Motors Park, lead developer of the Puff application and avid panty connoisseur, was far from candid when asked about what improvements the development team made to the newest version.

Kia Motors Park Puff iphone developer The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

Kia Motors Park, Head Mobile Developer and avid Panty Connoisseur

“Well, we no longer use RubyMotion to code.”

Interesting.  Luckily Mr. Park espoused a little bit more in a followup interview with the North Korean state news agency Gorgonzola.

“Right away we knew the selection of upskirts was far from optimal in our most recent update.  To upgrade our customer experience and really give the consumer something we knew they wanted, we went back to the basics.”

What basics you ask?

“About a month after the the 2.0 release we got together as a team and really asked ourselves how can we improve the UX?  After a series of discussions it was determined we’d conduct field tests to really hone the actual user experience.  Random public face-sittings, detailed skirt-to-knee measurements, and precise wind calculations using the most advanced anemometer technology in the wind measuring field gained us the data points we knew we needed to have.

rigorous wind speed testing equipment The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

Even advanced eye technology was used! Why? We don’t know!

Essentially we’ve captured the essence of every form of panty known to women, from the third laced stitch of a pair of low-cut briefs to the finest degree of mesh in any micro-thong.  This is the competitive advantage that we knew we needed to have in order to gain a leg up on the competition.”

In conclusion it’s safe to say that all of us win, from the most ardent of panty connoisseurs to the most avid of wind technologists.

Upskirting Done Right!

While it’s easy to see where Puff 2.0 went wrong, lets look at where Puff 3.0 went right!

1. International Upskirts

Gone is the Macedonian oligarch that ruled the Puff universe and was rivaled by that of only the Russian meritocracy.  In is a new board of fresh faces from all corners of the Earth.

So how do we benefit as consumers?  More international women, that’s how!

New to the world of digital upksirting are the likes of Shia Shamoon, a devout Iraqi-born burka supermodel whom ISIS declares a threat to the international community.  Also making the rounds are Adwoa Afia who serves as Uganda’s Director of National Security, presidential candidate elect Hillary Rodham Clinton, and Robin William’s reincarnated female self (to name a few).

Shia_Shamoon_muslim_upskirt_supermodel

Picture 1 of 4

“It was imperative we add a new selection of color” Kia ignorantly stated.  ”Finding a new international flavor of skirts and panties will only add to our worldwide acclaim”

It’s said that a total of 2,827 women were added to the newest catalogue of females looking to have their rear ends digitally exposed to the masses.  A number Mr. Park is very happy about indeed.

“I counted a total of 2,827 unique panties in all,” gleaned Mr.Park, “and there’s not a single pair I don’t forget.”

used panties The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

“I remember those panties” exclaimed Mr. Park. “Karen’s, summer of ’08, I believe.”

So, whether you’re muslim, christian, atheist, or flat out gay, Puff 3.0 is without a doubt the upskirting iPhone app for you…..and if it isn’t, don’t tell Mr. Park.

international upksirting men The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

The international faces of upskirting

2. Increased Blowing Radius

One of the major flaws in the earliest days of the Puff application wasn’t so much the content, but rather the technical aspects of the iPhone device itself.

Well fear no more people as Mr. Park and his gang of Merry Men (iOS developers) all but alleviated this conundrum plaguing the upskirting community throughout.

the merry men of puff iphone app The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

These guys are hard at work developing the greatest upskirt app EVER…or at least so we think

In an open letter to the United Nations, Kia noted how several upgrades in the iPhone 6 hardware allow for a far greater end user blowing radius than any of its iPhone predecessors.

“What the iPhone 5 lacked in patented microphone blowing specs has all but been obliterated by the newest release of the iPhone. My team and I saw firsthand what the inside of the new iPhone 6 would look like when we were locked up inside the Foxconn plant strategizing our newest update.  Having this knowledge in-hand before it was made public allowed us to act fast and really test the depths of this newest microphone installment.”

Puff application guy blowing phone The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

There’ll be a lot more mobile blowing when Puff 3.0 hits the streets

Cool…we think.  Kia wasn’t done though.

“Wind speed, velocity, direction and distance were all variables we were able to test as a team.  Also taken into consideration was the lung capacity of the average human being as well as the greatest statistical outlier of human being known to the human race.  On average, a typical 220lb homo sapien can lift a skirt from 120 feet away.  And ‘YES’ we use the standard American measurement of length!”

long distance wind upskirt bicycle The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

Who did that? With the new, increased blowing radius we’ll never know.

Double cool!  We find it hard to believe that ANY upskirting professional wouldn’t be turned on by this perverse feat of technological innovation.

3. Anyone Can Upskirt

The coolest feature of all (unless you’re talking to your local paritioner) is the ability to add women to your catalogue on the fly.

Yep, Apple Pay sure has its perks!

“Again, i’ve said it a million times” said Mr. Park, “our quantitative selection of women in the Puff 2.0 update was far from satisfactory.  The newest update, we told ourselves, would have the built-in functionality for end users to constantly expand the reserves of women in their individual profiles.  How did we do it?  Quite simply put, Apple Pay.”

Sometimes Mr. Park speaks so eloquently for English not being his first language.  But we digress.

According to Mr. Park the idea came from a recent episode of Bang Bus he viewed online.

bang bus on iphone 150x150 The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

Get in my van!

apple pay upskirt iphone woman 150x150 The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

Get in my phone!

“What bang bus did for guys in vans we want to do for men holding phones.  Pick a girl up on the street, send her a few virtual E-dollars, and bam, she’s in your phone for life!”

Well Tim Cook, speaking on behalf of all upskirt enthusiasts everywhere, we’d like to extend a virtual “thank you” to all the Apple developers out there.

Apple pay for female upskirts 1024x732 The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

“I’d blow all day if I weren’t gay.” -Tim Cook, Apple CEO and blowing aficionado

Puff 3.0 iPhone Beta Catching On?

To answer our headlining question above, quite simply “yes,” the Puff beta 3.0 rollout has been a monumental hit thus far.

Open to only a handful of diehard Japanese male upskirt professionals who are quite skilled in the art of blowing, the 3.0 beta will open up to a much larger user population quite soon.  In the meantime, check out some of the feedback from the beta testers below.

私たちは、バターの外出!

-Hans Hula-Hands [Beta Tester]

upskirt beta tester number 1 The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

Hans doesn’t look Japanese

Totally sounds legit.  Or how bout this gem Mr. Marimotto left us?

I very much happy!

japanese upskirt beta tester number 2 The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

“I Happy. Two thumbs!”

Very cool.  Lastly we stumbled upon this crown of royal jewels in an online forum detailing baby powder recalls from the late 1990′s!

I Like!

upskirt beta tester number 3 The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

this clearly non-Asian man who must have known someone to get in on the early beta

Sounds fun.  Well folks, if you aren’t already, please be on the lookout for Puff 3.0 as it hits Apple App stores all across the beautiful seas!

happy japanese upskirt schoolgirl The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

This japanese schoolgirl couldn’t be happier about the Puff 3.0 release

Please also check out our recently convicted CEO Mr. Hans H1N1 Hula-Hands blow his last free breathes of air using Puff! below.

Top 5 Discovery Gold Rush Moments

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Well folks, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve cringed!  Tis the price one pays to be a true Gold Rush fan.

But what moments really stick out from the rest? Is it the time Parker Schnabel made-out with his excavator’s bucket after nailing a glorious glory hole? Or perhaps it was the time Todd got stuck in the driver’s seat of his Mazda Miata?

Whatever it was you chose, you’re wrong!

Lucky enough for you though, we’ve compiled the top-5 Discovery Gold Rush moments you didn’t see on TV because they simply weren’t aired; therefore, they weren’t eligible for your top-5.

So please, lock in, strap up, and be amazed at what some of your favorite Gold Rush cast members did to defy the impossible yet again!

5.  Parker Schabel Legalizes Marijuana

In case you missed our 800 other blog posts lamenting the fact that Parker Schnabel legalized marijuana on camp grounds, here it is again.  Before we dive in though, there’s something you, our esteemed readers, need to know: MattyTV’s pro-legalization!  That’s right, we’re all for toking up…..we just don’t do it ourselves.

Anyways, moving on.

So Parker Schnabel smokes weed…. but what’s his favorite device to smoke out of?

Good question with an even better answer!

Some time back on September 11th, 2009, as young Parker went to light up a bowl filled of his favorite strand of  Afghan Kush, Afghan Kush, something funny happened…he broke his bowl!

Admittedly, that last part wasn’t funny.  What is though is that because he was out in the Alaskan wilderness doing a lonely stoner hike that more than enough of us do but don’t like to admit, Parker came across a stray cat….and the rest is history.  Now every time Parker goes to smoke a bowl of Afghan Kush, he brings a stray cat.

4. Grandpa Schnabel Smokes Weed

While that above top-5 moment completely sucked, this one you’ll like better: John Schnabel smokes weed.  But then again, so does every other legalized Alaskan.

Yet, there’s just something about John’s weed smoking that’s too interesting to let go?

Luckily again for you, we’ve got an answer: John’s old.  Like mad old.  And someday all of ‘us’ (we’re all about participatory pronouns at MattyTV) will go from wondering what it’s like to smoke weed at that age, to smoking weed at that age.

So why John Schnabel at #4?

Easy.  Because on one episode of Alaska Gold Rush titled “John vs Food,” John Schnabel eats an entire 800,000 calorie burrito in one sitting (fyi, this episode never aired).

The man’s one beast of a stoner, which brings us into moment-you-missed #3.

3.  John and Parker Schnabel Smoke Weed Then Plow Lindsay Lohan

We know, we know.  You clearly get that Parker smokes weed….and John too.

But what you didn’t know is that both men also have the same interest in women; emotionally wrecked and in a state of haze. (‘haze’ is a weed pun we’re told).

The story, according to producers, goes a little like the one outlined below.

John, on a road trip across the great Haines, Alaska wilderness, had just taken 3 blunts to the face in the back of a 76 rest stop.  Realizing he was out of weed, John walked to the front of the rest-stop where Parker and his then girlfriend, Lindsay, we’re curled up in the front of Big Red puffing a Small J.

Somewhat inebriated, John then proceeded to punch a somewhat stoned Lindsay in the face while simultaneously wrestling the half-canoed joint from Parker’s hand.   What happened from there is somewhat fuzzy as Lindsay’s publicists will have you believe one thing, while John’s will have you believe another.

Anyways, what all sources can agree on is what happened next: John and Parker used a snowplow to plow an unconcious Lindsay to the side of the road, leaving her behind in the middle of the frozen Alaskan tundra.

Truly terrible stuff if you ask us.

2. Lindsay Lohan Gets Revenge

Didn’t know Lindsay Lohan was such an integral part of the show?  Well then you’re clearly not a true Gold Rush fan!

Did you honestly think Lindsay Lohan would slowly wither to her death on the side of an Alaskan road?  Of course you did…..but you shouldn’t have.

You see, what we’ve learned over the years as the official, unofficial documentarians of the Gold Rush show (come on, admit it, you’ve seen us before when viewing your Google search results for ‘Gold Rush’), is that if there’s anyone more resilient in this World than Parker Schnabel, it’s Lindsay Lohan.

So how exactly did Lindsay get revenge?  The only way she knows, by suing the shit out of Discovery Channel!

That’s right, why milk the young calf when you can have the cash cow instead?

TMZ even goes so far as to report that Discovery is so bogged down in litigation that the airing of Season 5 is currently in jeopardy.  We repeat, the future airing of Discovery Gold Rush Season 5 is in serious jeopardy!!!

While we can only hope that both parties reach an amicable agreement, it’s probably safe to say that Lindsay Lohan once again somehow managed to come out on top!!

So if Lindsay Lohan isn’t even #1 on our top-5 list, who/what is?

1. Dick Cheney Accidentally Shoots Sarah Palin

Nevermind.  Wrong list!

1.  Todd Hoffman’s Secret Affair

“What?” you’re probably asking yourself.  ”Isn’t he divorced and destined for a single life of loneliness?”

Well, yes, obviously.  But what we’re talking about his secret side affair that NONE of you even know about.

Todd Hoffman, according to The Daily Fisherman, is in love with Mary Jane!!!

That’s right, Todd curls up in bed with Mary on a nightly basis.  We even see a glimpse of this during episode 2 of season 3 under a half-lit, waxing-crescent moon, as a strong north-by-northwest wind rips through the Hoffman campsite pealing open Todd’s cabin door, only to expose him in a state of nakedness as he lights the wrong end of a marijuana joint in his bed.

Very, very disturbing imagery if you ask us!

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the top-5 unaired-Gold-Rush moments you didn’t see to date!

Season 5 Gold Rush Alaska

Now that we’ve rattled off our top-5 unaired Gold Rush moments, some of which admittedly weren’t really moments, all of us are excited to see what shenanigans take place next season.

While we can neither confirm nor deny whether Season 5 of the show will air, what we do know is this: we’ll still be there in your search results.

Yep, that’s right, no matter what you do we’ll still be there, so tune back in soon for more riveting journalism!

 

 Top 5 Discovery Gold Rush Moments

About Matt H.

Dedicated writer. Tech (in)'trested. Oh, and CEO/creator/chairman of MattyTV.com. Connect with Matt on Google+

Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

Author’s note: this writer totally sold his soul for an affiliate marketing gig in support of Squatty Potty. In no way does Parker Schnabel actually endorse the Squatty Potty!  We, on the other hand, do.

squatty potty banner1 Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

Squatty Potty Time Bitches!

Golden showers, crack cocaine, and jungle swamp ass.

And this was just the first episode of Season 5!

 Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

Gold Rush Season 5 started off with a bang!

Unfortunately, like all good things Canadian, Season 5 came and went.  While many of us will miss an oblivious, bald-headed man navigate the jungles of Narnia like a blind Jew navigating Palestine, a little part of us is curious as to ‘what’s next’ for these fabled stars.

blind jew in palestine Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

Todd Hoffman was just as blind as this Jew in Palestine navigating the jungles!

Will Parker get back with Lindsay? Is Todd too fat to fly? Who the fuck’s Payson?

Payson schnabel smokes weed with john schnabel 1024x576 Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

“Hi, i’m Payson!”

That’s three questions right there!

Three more questions for you to ponder:

Is Todd Gay? Does Parker’s girlfriend exist? Dakota Fred’s son sure is dumb! Wait…..not a question (btw, glad you asked about Parker’s girlfriend).

Yes! that’s correct. We just btw’d the fuck out of that last sentence.

Anyways, while none of these characters will lay eyes upon this author’s scornful lament, the joke really is on all of us. Each of our protagonists got paid! Dumb, stupid pay we might add. And wait until you hear what each of our heroins has in store for us this summer!!!

Parker Schnabel Looks To The Future

Recently MattyTV caught up with the Hollywood Heartthrob outside a Haines, Alaska Discovery Zone where our modern day Botticelli espoused all over our questions.

No leaf was left unturned as we explored everything from Parker’s Ugly Kid Clothing Line to his new celebrity product endorsement, The Squatty Potty. Below are some of the juicier tidbits from our late night one-on-one with the legend himself.

Ugly Kid Clothing Company

For those of you living under a rock, or “The Rock” for that matter, Parker has been sporting his own line of crap clothing for the better part of the past two seasons.

Parker Schnabel Ugly Kid Clothing Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

Hi, I’m ugly….so fuck off and die!

From male thongs (extremely popular in the Alaskan summertime as denizens ditch their winter long-johns for something a bit more comfortable) to provocative sweatshirts idolizing the extreme isolation of modern day outcasts in today’s society, Ugly Kid Clothing has won its way into the hearts of mining enthusiasts everywhere.

The Male Thong – a summertime novelty in the great Alaskan outdoors

While times have been good at the Dumb Kid Clothing Company,  Parker still sees room for the brand to grow.

“Ugly Kid Clothing is more than a brand. It’s a lifestyle. A lifestyle of never unwavering, I hate your stupid face, fuck the continental United States, living. Think of it more as a fountain of shit that you drink from everyday.  Each passing sip of shit passes through your body, winding it’s way down a labyrinth of hate and self-loathing, eventually finishing inside a clogged urinal of taco meat and feces. THAT, in a nutshell, is Ugly Kid Clothing.”

 Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

When you think Ugly Kid Clothing this is what Parker want’s you to think!

Parker Schnabel’s Girlfriend

When broached about the subject of his sex life, Parker The Beautiful (as no one calls him) was far from bashful.

Parkers girlfriend Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

Parker’s first true love…his excavator!

Parker and his girl, Lawrence of My Labia, according to sources, have been going strong for 12 days and counting.  Regarded as an eternity by Alaskan standards, some close to Parker speculate a marriage proposal’s around the corner, something he refutes with great reprocity.  That said, local sources recently learned of a $2 Million deposit being thrown down at a local Bed, Bath, and Beyond – Parker’s favorite retail store outside his local head shop, Weed Head (sorry Leafly, Weed Head hasn’t quite made it’s way onto your site quite yet).

Should we read much further into his recent purchase of throw pillows? Probably not! Will we? Yes!

So what would Parker tell us about his new found sex life now that he’s no longer dating Lindsay Lohan.

“Well, we have sex.”

parker schnabel and girlfriend Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

Parker Schnabel and his girl apparently have sex. Now if it’s with their clothes on or off might be a question for another day.

Truly riveting journalism if you ask us.

So just what is Parker Schnabel’s celebrity net worth?

This question even we were interested in. Once listed as the richest man in all of Haines, Alaska, fame and fortune nearly lead to Parker’s demise.

Parker Schnabel dipstick explodes all over tranny Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

The man, err woman, who almost ruined young Parker’s life as fortune got to his head

Currently valued at $21, Parker’s unprecedented net worth has seen it’s fair share of ups and downs. However, all that changed when Squatty Potty came knocking.

Signed to a lucrative contract of $12 to be paid out over the duration of 12 years, Parker’s alliance with Squatty Potty services many fronts, most important of which is the Squatty Potty’s ability to ease the tension of shitting while high as more and more states legalize marijuana.

 Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

Potheads afflicted by the severe diarrhea crisis sweeping the nation!

“I really see this as a golden opportunity for me to spread the word… the good word of the lord.”

It’s still very evident that Parker’s severe addiction to sex is clouting his reality.

“What we have here will change the way we interact with our toilets.  Given the alarming rate of state-to-state weed legalization, onsets of diarrhea have become more and more commonplace as citizens experience firsthand munchie onslaughts.  The nation is in a severe diarrhea crisis, and only I can change the fate of the nation by espousing the benefits of the Squatty Potty on the rectal region.”

squatty potty banner3 Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

Squatty Potty: control the American Diarrhea crisis NOW! Get your Squatty Potty TODAY!

Interesting.  We had no idea our nation was in such a state of crisis. But still, why the Squatty Potty Parker?

Parker Espouses the Benefits of the Squatty Potty

“My asshole has never felt healthier,” was Parker’s response when we inquired further into his reason for jumping on the Squatty Potty shitwagon.

It’s clearly a subject matter Parker feels passionate about as he delved further and further into the topic with us.

“For too long the issue of ‘shitting’ has been avoided, yet our nation is afflicted by this all too common illness.  We need to take every precaution we can to right this affliction, and my belief is the Squatty Potty is a good place to start”

 Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

“I’m sick of this shit!” -Parker S.

A very principled man himself, Parker then proceeded into a rather lengthy soliloquy of which we simply sat back and soaked it all in.

“It’s like…it’s like for the first time in my life I feel right.  Having shat wrong all my years, the Squatty Potty’s finally the one stabilizing force in my life. It has a good base, with a comfortable more-than-shoulders-width apart stance, and a solid frame.  I almost feel guilty for shaming my body all these years, doing it a great injustice by not implementing the 35° degree ‘squat’ instead of the 90° degree ‘sit’ i’ve used.  It truly has been a blessing.”

1783 cr 52fd79e129e80 292x191 Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

90° Degree Sit vs 35° Degree Squat

Future Celebrity Product Endorsements for Parker

While Squatty Potty is a remarkable coup in the name of brand product endorsements for Parker, numerous other product endorsements loom on the horizon as well.

Said to be in the running for Parker’s services are Hershey’s chocolate milk, Ace Hardware’s own wall socket line, and .NET web development services.

parker schnabel hershey chocolate milk Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

Now every time this chocolate passes through your mouth images of Parker will conjure in your head!

But we didn’t want to take uncredited sources for their word, so we stared the hollywood legend point black in the face and asked him ourselves.

Us: “So Parker, are there any other products you have your eye on?”

Parker: “That’s a hard question because it’s hard to not look only at you in the middle of an interview.”

Us: “No, we meant ‘are there any other products you’re looking to for future endorsements?’”

Parker: “Yes.”

A man of few words.  Isn’t that why he’s made it into the hearts, and now the pants, of so many Americans alike?

Future Celebrity Gold Rush Star Product Endorsements

Think Parker’s the only one capitalizing on the new found popularity of Discovery’s Gold Rush Alaska? Think again.

Todd Hoffman Snuggles Himself into Bed

It’d be remisce of us not to mention Todd Hoffman’s startling, yet lucrative, product endorsement this summer: The Snuggie.

fat guy in snuggie Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

The imagery of Todd Hoffman in a snuggie will already live on in our heads for the rest of our lives

Soon to hit all corner’s of the surface web, Snuggie’s marketing campaign featuring Todd Hoffman is said to have the potential to change the face of advertising forever!

“We at Snuggie truly believe Todd embodies the essence of our not-so-popular product, The Snuggie,” claims Snuggie’s VP of Marketing, Henry Kissinger.  ”No one cares about the Snuggie, nobody wants one, and not a single soul remembers what they look like when wearing one, which is why Todd is the perfect face for our product.  Total oblivion”

Like any good gold miner acting on a hope and a prayer, Todd’s woeful financial cry for help has temporarily been answered. But, as we all know, like any good glory hole, eventually the cash benefits run out, leading our fabled miners to look for virgin territory elsewhere.

Dakota Fred courts Rosseta

Often criticized for his inability to articulate the English language even though he’s white, American, and a successful businessman (outside the gold mining profession obviously), the constantly sub-titled Dakota Fred recently got in bed with Rosetta Stone, all of which we get to see on tape.

Dakota Fred Learning Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

This man will master learning Canadian even if it costs him his sanity

Rosetta Stone’s in da house!!!

Known for their ability to trick older professional people into thinking they have enough time in their busy lives to learn another language while raising 3 kids and working an always-on-the-clock corporate gig, Rosetta Stone’s marketing department absolutely marveled at the idea of documenting Dakota Fred’s learning of the Canadian language on camera!

busy dad with kids Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

“Yeah I’ve got time to learn another language!”

Shelling out a whopping $115 American dollars, Rosetta Stone chronicled every waking hour of Dakota Friend’s life as he sat down in front of a computer screen and struggled with each syllable of an identical dialect of the English language.

Not only does this harrowing film explore one old guy’s attempt to master a foreign substance outside his comfort zone, but it also explores the American state of Education in Alaska as a whole……what???

Hoping he could espouse a little more to us on his arrangement with Rosetta Stone, Dakota abruptly pulled down his pants.

When told what the word “espouse” meant, Dakota pulled up his pants and told us this little gem of a nugget:

“They tell me they think we might be going to Cannes! I sure ain’t heard of any place quite like that before.  Sounds like a land full of ferries bouncing around if you ask me.”

Hmm, interesting.  We can only wish the fine people at Rosetta Stone “good luck” with the upcoming marketing campaign. They’re definitely going to need it.

Rosetta Stone Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

Rosetta Stone update version 7.0 includes new additions like Canadian, American Ghetto, and Macedonian

The Proverbial What’s Next

So what’s next for our pathetic peripatetic stars? What can we expect in Season 6 of Discovery Gold Rush Alaska and beyond? Well, whatever it is, you know you know where to turn for that kind of information…here!

^By “here” in that last sentence we mean “here at MattyTV.”  Just thought we’d clarify!

Oh, and get a Squatty Potty you morons before it’s too late!

squatty potty banner1 Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

Squatty Potty Time Bitches!

 Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

About Matt H.

Dedicated writer. Tech (in)'trested. Oh, and CEO/creator/chairman of MattyTV.com. Connect with Matt on Google+

Squatty Potty User Reviews

Given MattyTV’s current high school crush with the infamous Squatty Potty, we took to the inter-workings of the web to find out if this fascination was clearly a case of punch drunk love madness on our part, or if in fact the Squatty Potty had been dropping panties all across the globe. What we found was both surprising and sexually arousing all at once!

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Squatty Potty Time Bitches!

Success Stories From Squatty Potty Users

Below we found some sultry results espousing the pre-conceptions and transformations of those pre-conceptions from beautiful Americans abroad. While many users went into the restrooms not expecting much, said people left said restrooms changed souls.

Why? you ask.  Well, here’s why!

Anonymous Squatty Potty User Review #1

“The darn thing works instantly!

Folks, my son, Todd, sent me a squatty potty for my 66th birthday. I thought to myself, what kind of a birthday gift is this contraption? Living 65 years “on my own”, I thought I was “going” just fine. How mistaken I was! I don’t think I can live another day WITHOUT it.

It’s absolutely amazing – the darn thing works instantly. Thank you for making my life SO much more pleasant! Three cheers for the Squatty Potty!”

-Susan F.

Thanks Susan! And just so you know Sussie, we’re single!

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Squatty Potty: good for colon health. Good for pooping. Good all around!

Anonymous Squatty Potty User Review #2

“The joke was on us!

I just wanted to write and let you know how much we love your product! My husband is a gastroenterologist and I bought him a Squatty Potty as a gift, but mostly just for the humour.

Given his career, we often give him “poop” related gifts and gags. The joke was on us! We are both so impressed with the squatty potty. It has made a big difference for both of us and we are still in awe of the simplicity of correcting our body alignment during defecation.

He said he will now recommend it to his patients! Thanks!”

-J.R.

J.R., your candidness about you and your husbands chronic defecation problems is what we admire about you the most! It takes a real woman to admit she poops.  And for that J.R., we are thankful!

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Would you believe the squatty potty could improve your health by shitting?

Anonymous Squatty Potty User Review #3

“Squatty Potty For World Peace!

I recently received my Squatty Potty. I’m so happy with this thing. Seriously, it could create world peace, or, at least, settle the Western world down. You should do more radical marketing. It should be featured on Oprah’s show. I’m not kidding.”

-Metta World Peace

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Even Metta World Peace endorses the Squatty Potty

Thanks metta! Good to know when you aren’t shooting hoops you’re squirting poops! We’re sure there’s a product endorsement deal for you here somewhere down the line!

Anonymous Squatty Potty Review #4

“I shitted everywhere. It was pleasant!”

 Squatty Potty User Reviews

Dick Cheney would even agree the squatty potty goes a longer way than George Bush’s policy of “no child left behind”

-Dick Cheney

Hey former Vice President Dick Cheney! Didn’t think we’d see your name on the boards. Happy to hear all is well with the colon, but how’s the heart?

Non-Success Stories From Squatty Potty Users

What’s the saying in Eastern Morocco? “Cleveland Rocks!” No, wait, that’s the Drew Carey Show.

Anyways, we know you get the point. For every good review online there’s one-hundred bad reviews! These are some of those bad ones.

Follow MattyTV’s board Squatty Potty Endorsed by MattyTV on Pinterest.


Anonymous Squatty Potty Review #5

“First off, I’d like to say i’m PISSED! Literally drunk as a skunk. There’s no sugar coating here, so listen up pansies, because what i’m about to tell you WON’T change your life.

  • Pants can get in the way! Not sure if this is a learning curve for me, but I haven’t figured out a graceful way to sit that doesn’t involve completely removing my trousers.
  • Even when it’s tucked under the bowl, it’s still in the way when standing to use the toilet (I have to “widen my stance”).
  • Not sure about the health claims, but I don’t suffer any maladies. So I would still recommend to “healthy” people. Prevention is the best medicine!”

-Bob

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Kids and Adults alike will need to learn the new “wider-than-normal-stance” split when in possession of a Squatty Potty

Bob, all great points. What normally serves as a shoulder-width apart stance while standing over the toilet bowl to go pee, has now become an acrobat feat that not even some gymnasts can incorporate into their olympic splitting routine!

Anonymous Squatty Potty User Review #6

“My banana hammock is now a banana split!”
-Pam Pammington

 

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This banana happened to split its hammock and the boys

 

Still harping on the whole “I stand up when I pee and the Squatty Potty still gets in my way” theme! In fairness, it does sound like this is a bigger issue than the Squatty Potty people would have you believe!

By the way Pam, you stand when you pee?

Anonymous Squatty Potty User Review #7

And now for this rather candid comment!

“I tried this contraption a few weeks ago. The package arrived from the UPS man just in time for my late morning bowel movement. I could hardly wait to open the box and place this glorious invention at the base of my commode. I put on some Phil Collins (as this helps my movement)…As I approached my throne and planted my tush to drop the kids off at the pool…I noticed I could no longer move…I WAS STUCK!!!! I tried for hours and hours to roll off the toilet, but the squatty potty contraption kept my legs locked into place…and to top it all of the compact disc I was listening to was stuck in a loop and I was forced to listen to “Another Day in Paradise” for 6 straight hours…The neighbors finally came to the rescue when they heard me screaming…I’m now dealing with PTSD and an extreme case of constipation. Thank goodness this is covered in my Obamacare premium….First thing in the morning, this is going straight back to the UPS facility (just as soon as I can find my pants).”

-President Barack Obama

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President Obama even drops bombs and foot-longs in the privacy of the west wing using the newest in technological innovation: The Squatty Potty

Wow! A president AND a vice president all in the same post. We must have died and gone to heaven.

Anonymous Squatty Potty User Review #8

“I shitted everywhere. It WASN’T pleasant!”
-George W. Bush

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George W. Bush not exactly the greatest endorser of the Squatty Potty

This can’t be real! This simply cannot be real! One president, one vice president, and one complete meat puppet all in this same, stupid post, and ALL using the Squatty Potty.

Closing Thoughts on the Squatty Potty

It’s official hombres: if you don’t squat while you take a shot into the pot, than you’re just plain un-American!

That is all. Happy 4th America. And don’t forget to buy your loved one a squatty potty using the link below!

Hi, I’m the link below!

 Squatty Potty User Reviews

About Matt H.

Dedicated writer. Tech (in)'trested. Oh, and CEO/creator/chairman of MattyTV.com. Connect with Matt on Google+