Porn Star Poop

There’s a new craze hitting porn sets everywhere and it’s a lot cleaner than you might think.

porn star poopig
Poop! It’s all the rage

It’s name? Squatty Potty.

Squatty potty toilet stool
Squatty Potty all up in your s**t!

That’s right, America’s hottest thing with two wooden legs has now penetrated the porn scene with alarming alacrity (seriously, we’re not joking). And it’ll be awhile before this controversial trend goes away.

Squatty Potty’s Porn Star Origins

For those of you who don’t know, and i’m sure that’s all of you, the Squatty Potty (and what i’m about to say is taken straight from the website’s meta tag) is a:

Toilet Stool for Colon Health. It ends painful hemorrhoids, helps avoid constipation, prevents Colon Disease, assists those with Pelvic Floor issues, and (lastly) helps EVERYONE poop faster and more effectively.

To add a little more context to it’s mormon roots, the Squatty Potty was initially conceived on the Silicon Slopes of Utah to help birthing Mormon mother’s of 12 effectively eliminate the constant pains from sitting all day that were greatly exacerbated when they sat down to poop.

mormon moms endorse squatty potty
If it wasn’t for Squatty Potty i’d have killed all these kids by now!

As a quick aside, Squatty Potty was also voted Y Combinator’s 2013 Invention Of The Year.  Why it was even in the running is beyond this author’s digital acuity.

So why then Porn?

Well, according to famed porn director Javier Popa, the answer is threefold.

“Given the alarming demand for anal porn among sub-Saharan nations, the amount of foreign objects, both animate and inanimate, entering the average porn star’s anal cavity have increased by 5x over the past two years.  To combat this growing trend of excessively sodomized a**holes, more and more directors have introduced the fabled Squatty Potty to their sets in order to alleviate any backlog of fecal substance jammed waaaaay up in the anal cavity.  At the end of the day, it’s first and foremost a matter of personal health for our actors.”

happy porn star squatty potty users
These porn stars have never been happier to show up and do anal on set

Javier’s second point is a little more within the norm of what we might expect.

“Secondly, the Squatty Potty has made poop fetisher’s most wild dreams become actual realities.  The poop used in pooping scenes is now ten times more robust, five times more pungent, and three times larger in diameter.  Those of us in the business who incorporate the Squatty Potty into our films can expect a vast array of benefits than those who don’t.”

What benefits?

“Better accuracy.  More return on investment. And most importantly, a smaller radius of cleanup area on set.”

happy janitor on porn set
This guy has been a lot happier since Squatty Potty was introduced on set


Javier’s third point as to why more director’s use the Squatty Potty on set is a little less exciting than his former two.

“Lastly, the Squatty Potty has reduced the amount of time we spend on bathroom breaks.  It’s baked right into their mission statement, isn’t it? ‘Squatty Potty helps everyone poop FASTER and more effectively.’ So now the average time spent on set has decreased roughly 10%.”

Porn Stars Endorse The Squatty Potty

It’s not just the directors espousing the benefits of the Squatty Potty. The Porn Stars themselves have a lot of good things to say.

“My anus has never felt looser” dictated Heinrich Himmler Hammer, famed German anal porn star extraordinaire.

german porn star Heinrich Himmler Hammer
Auf wiedersehen constipation!

“My s**t’s insane” lauded Natasha Buttingfield, full-time pooping video vixen and part-time Natasha Bedingfield impersonator.

One porn star who really sang Squatty Potty’s praises was Amanda Asschwitz.

“I used to dread anal days on set. Seriously, I hated them. Now I’m genuinely excited when I show up and ‘Anal Scenes’ are listed on the day’s shot list.  It makes me so happy.  I did 13 anal scenes the other day and unloaded Sasquatch-sized poops in-between each one.  Thank you Squatty Potty!”

porn star thumbs up for squatty potty
Hey, she’s a happy user. Are you?

From God’s mouth to our ears, the Squatty Potty is having a profound impact on the way contemporary society does porn.

Celebrities Getting In On The Poop Porn Squatty Potty Action

Don’t think the tangible benefits of the Squatty Potty are being limited to the dim lit backrooms of porn sets. Hollywood has also started getting in on the action.

Parker Schnabel, famed Discovery Gold Rush superstar and no stranger to the spotlight, recently made his intentions known regarding the popular trend.

parker schnabel porn star
Parker Schnabel, drilling holes and porking hoes

“Yeah, I made poop porn,” stated Parker. “I filmed, starred, and directed it all.”


Pressed on the issue, Parker had this to say.

“Look, as you probably know already I endorsed the Squatty Potty way before any other celebrity even knew what it was. Squatty Potty is near and dear to me, and given my chronic Marijuana addiction, it’s a godsend when it comes to the aftermath of those late night munchie marathons.”

But how does this relate to your porn career Parker?

“I’ve made three poop porns in the last three days, all featuring either my girlfriend Lawrence or brother Payson. You can read about them on Pornhub.”

That we will Parker. That we will.

Parker Schnabel Does Porn

Following up on our interview with Parker Schnabel as any good, accredit news outlet would, we took to IMDB for a quick synopsis of all three films.  Amazingly, all three somehow incorporated the Squatty Potty (the kid’s a genius. A true Scorsese).

Below are the reapings of our findings.

1. Dirty Nuggets: Set in modern day Haines, Alaska, this film stars a soiled Parker returning home from a hard day’s work in the muddy Alaskan mines only to find his brother Payson using his Squatty Potty without his consent. What ensues can only be described as illegal, immoral, and down right dirty. Feces flies, unregistered firearms are shot, and pay dirt gets corrupted as this 30-minute avant-garde frolic unfolds containing a 10-minute dookie chucking session and a naked guest appearance by Todd Hoffman who accidentally walks into the wrong trailer with a two-foot bomb poking out his rear buttocks.

MattyTV rating: 2 stars

parker and payson schnabel
Parker and Payson Schnabel. They’ll never love themselves again like this after their Dirty Nuggets debut

2. Glory Hole Tapping:  More intimate in its inherent nature, Glory Hole tapping explores the world of poop fetishes as Parker and his girlfriend take to the outer-banks of the Alaskan wilderness to explore the limits of their love life equipped with only a Squatty Potty and their two naked bodies. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll most likely squeam in your pants, this film is generally not intended for the faint of heart. That said, for those of you who do watch you’ll never look at your Squatty Potty in the same light as you did before.

MattyTV rating: 4 stars

parker schnabel and girlfriend in the alaskan wild
Some called it hot, others called it shitty. Whatever it was, it was definitely wild

3. No Butthole Left Uncleaned: Featuring a vast array of panoramic views and 3D shots you never imagined could be captured on camera, this Docuporn exposes an imaginative Parker utilizing every position and procedure outlined in the Urban Dictionary to defecate while using his Sqatty Potty. Like something out of an artsy Shia Labeouf film school short, the viewer will not be left without some feeling of transcendental uplifting for having watched this gem. With a run time of 4 hours, all shot from his girlfriend’s phone, you’ll see Parker like you’ve never seen him before (i.e naked with his legs spread firmly apart).

MattyTV rating: 3 horrifiying stars

Shia Labeouf's profound impact on squatty potty
Seriously, who wrote this film? Shia Labeouf?

From Porn To Parker

Well there you have it people, the Squatty Potty in all it’s fecal glory.

If you haven’t already, please be sure to get your Squatty Potty by clicking the image below.

God bless!

About Matt H.

Dedicated writer. Tech (in)'trested. Oh, and CEO/creator/chairman of Connect with Matt on Google+

The New Japanese Upskirt App Absolutely Blows

Remember Puff, the magical little iPhone app that lets you blow into your phone’s microphone for the endless upskirting of Japanese girls? Neither do we!

YES! The Japanese upskirt app Puff was a real app!

Lucky for you though it’s back and better than ever…for the second time in as many years.

Created by a team of Japanese lab rats locked up in a Chinese manufacturing plant owned by Foxconn, the new Puff upskirt app has a whole list of improved features that will blow your perverted mind away! (that’s our second “blow” joke thus far, to which we promise many many more).

Japanese iPhone development lab rats
No upskirting iPhone app would be complete w/out a japanese development behind it

So what features make this iteration of Puff much more magical than its predecessors you ask? Ummmmmmmm, the new technical specs of the iPhone 6 help, but lets start with what’s not on the mobile app anymore!

Bad Mobile Upskirting Techniques

1. Macedonian Women Are Ugly

With the exception of a handful of Macedonian maidens, the general populace of Macedonia suffers from what we like to call “sick-looking, cold-weathered white people syndrome.”  That’s right, we said it, Macedonian people are UGLY (apologies to Katarina Ivanovska and NBA superstar Pero Antic).

Katrina Ivanovska Macedonian Supermodel
Just about the only good export to leave Macedonia


Pero Antic the most beautiful man in all of Macedonia
He’s beautiful…or so we’re told


However, for those of you not in the know, just last year the Puff upskirt app was re-released to the world.  The problem: the update only included the addition of several Macedonian “supermodels.”

Which Macedonian supermodels you ask? NOT the good ones (see pictures below).


Picture 1 of 3


So what changed in this regard? EVERYTHING!

No longer does a majority Macedonian board of directors reside over the fate of the Japanese app!  Gone are the days of bulimic supermodel A’idah Takashmanovski, two-time hotdog eating champion Ejan Milosevic, and Chow, The Official Mascot of the Macedonian Treasury Department who also happens to be a dog.

So what do we get in exchange?  Read a little further to find out!

2. Panties! Panties! Panties!

Even the most amateur of upskirt mobile blowers will tell you that the Puff 2.0 upgrade lacked a serious selection of panties.  That problem is no more!

Kia Motors Park, lead developer of the Puff application and avid panty connoisseur, was far from candid when asked about what improvements the development team made to the newest version.

Kia Motors Park Head Mobile Developer
Kia Motors Park, Head Mobile Developer and avid Panty Connoisseur

“Well, we no longer use RubyMotion to code.”

Interesting.  Luckily Mr. Park espoused a little bit more in a followup interview with the North Korean state news agency Gorgonzola.

“Right away we knew the selection of upskirts was far from optimal in our most recent update.  To upgrade our customer experience and really give the consumer something we knew they wanted, we went back to the basics.”

What basics you ask?

“About a month after the the 2.0 release we got together as a team and really asked ourselves how can we improve the UX?  After a series of discussions it was determined we’d conduct field tests to really hone the actual user experience.  Random public face-sittings, detailed skirt-to-knee measurements, and precise wind calculations using the most advanced anemometer technology in the wind measuring field gained us the data points we knew we needed to have.

Even advanced eye technology was used! Why? We don’t know!

Essentially we’ve captured the essence of every form of panty known to women, from the third laced stitch of a pair of low-cut briefs to the finest degree of mesh in any micro-thong.  This is the competitive advantage that we knew we needed to have in order to gain a leg up on the competition.”

In conclusion it’s safe to say that all of us win, from the most ardent of panty connoisseurs to the most avid of wind technologists.

Upskirting Done Right!

While it’s easy to see where Puff 2.0 went wrong, lets look at where Puff 3.0 went right!

1. International Upskirts

Gone is the Macedonian oligarch that ruled the Puff universe and was rivaled by that of only the Russian meritocracy.  In is a new board of fresh faces from all corners of the Earth.

So how do we benefit as consumers?  More international women, that’s how!

New to the world of digital upksirting are the likes of Shia Shamoon, a devout Iraqi-born burka supermodel whom ISIS declares a threat to the international community.  Also making the rounds are Adwoa Afia who serves as Uganda’s Director of National Security, presidential candidate elect Hillary Rodham Clinton, and Robin William’s reincarnated female self (to name a few).


Picture 1 of 4

“It was imperative we add a new selection of color” Kia ignorantly stated.  “Finding a new international flavor of skirts and panties will only add to our worldwide acclaim”

It’s said that a total of 2,827 women were added to the newest catalogue of females looking to have their rear ends digitally exposed to the masses.  A number Mr. Park is very happy about indeed.

“I counted a total of 2,827 unique panties in all,” gleaned Mr.Park, “and there’s not a single pair I don’t forget.”

“I remember those panties” exclaimed Mr. Park. “Karen’s, summer of ’08, I believe.”

So, whether you’re muslim, christian, atheist, or flat out gay, Puff 3.0 is without a doubt the upskirting iPhone app for you…..and if it isn’t, don’t tell Mr. Park.

The international faces of upskirting

2. Increased Blowing Radius

One of the major flaws in the earliest days of the Puff application wasn’t so much the content, but rather the technical aspects of the iPhone device itself.

Well fear no more people as Mr. Park and his gang of Merry Men (iOS developers) all but alleviated this conundrum plaguing the upskirting community throughout.

These guys are hard at work developing the greatest upskirt app EVER…or at least so we think

In an open letter to the United Nations, Kia noted how several upgrades in the iPhone 6 hardware allow for a far greater end user blowing radius than any of its iPhone predecessors.

“What the iPhone 5 lacked in patented microphone blowing specs has all but been obliterated by the newest release of the iPhone. My team and I saw firsthand what the inside of the new iPhone 6 would look like when we were locked up inside the Foxconn plant strategizing our newest update.  Having this knowledge in-hand before it was made public allowed us to act fast and really test the depths of this newest microphone installment.”

There’ll be a lot more mobile blowing when Puff 3.0 hits the streets

Cool…we think.  Kia wasn’t done though.

“Wind speed, velocity, direction and distance were all variables we were able to test as a team.  Also taken into consideration was the lung capacity of the average human being as well as the greatest statistical outlier of human being known to the human race.  On average, a typical 220lb homo sapien can lift a skirt from 120 feet away.  And ‘YES’ we use the standard American measurement of length!”

Who did that? With the new, increased blowing radius we’ll never know.

Double cool!  We find it hard to believe that ANY upskirting professional wouldn’t be turned on by this perverse feat of technological innovation.

3. Anyone Can Upskirt

The coolest feature of all (unless you’re talking to your local paritioner) is the ability to add women to your catalogue on the fly.

Yep, Apple Pay sure has its perks!

“Again, i’ve said it a million times” said Mr. Park, “our quantitative selection of women in the Puff 2.0 update was far from satisfactory.  The newest update, we told ourselves, would have the built-in functionality for end users to constantly expand the reserves of women in their individual profiles.  How did we do it?  Quite simply put, Apple Pay.”

Sometimes Mr. Park speaks so eloquently for English not being his first language.  But we digress.

According to Mr. Park the idea came from a recent episode of Bang Bus he viewed online.

Get in my van!
Get in my phone!

“What bang bus did for guys in vans we want to do for men holding phones.  Pick a girl up on the street, send her a few virtual E-dollars, and bam, she’s in your phone for life!”

Well Tim Cook, speaking on behalf of all upskirt enthusiasts everywhere, we’d like to extend a virtual “thank you” to all the Apple developers out there.

Tim Cook Apple Pay Gay
“I’d blow all day if I weren’t gay.” -Tim Cook, Apple CEO and blowing aficionado

Puff 3.0 iPhone Beta Catching On?

To answer our headlining question above, quite simply “yes,” the Puff beta 3.0 rollout has been a monumental hit thus far.

Open to only a handful of diehard Japanese male upskirt professionals who are quite skilled in the art of blowing, the 3.0 beta will open up to a much larger user population quite soon.  In the meantime, check out some of the feedback from the beta testers below.


-Hans Hula-Hands [Beta Tester]

Hans doesn’t look Japanese

Totally sounds legit.  Or how bout this gem Mr. Marimotto left us?

I very much happy!

“I Happy. Two thumbs!”

Very cool.  Lastly we stumbled upon this crown of royal jewels in an online forum detailing baby powder recalls from the late 1990’s!

I Like!

this clearly non-Asian man who must have known someone to get in on the early beta

Sounds fun.  Well folks, if you aren’t already, please be on the lookout for Puff 3.0 as it hits Apple App stores all across the beautiful seas!

This japanese schoolgirl couldn’t be happier about the Puff 3.0 release

Please also check out our recently convicted CEO Mr. Hans H1N1 Hula-Hands blow his last free breathes of air using Puff! below.

Top 5 Discovery Gold Rush Moments

Well folks, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve cringed!  Tis the price one pays to be a true Gold Rush fan.

But what moments really stick out from the rest? Is it the time Parker Schnabel made-out with his excavator’s bucket after nailing a glorious glory hole? Or perhaps it was the time Todd got stuck in the driver’s seat of his Mazda Miata?

Whatever it was you chose, you’re wrong!

Lucky enough for you though, we’ve compiled the top-5 Discovery Gold Rush moments you didn’t see on TV because they simply weren’t aired; therefore, they weren’t eligible for your top-5.

So please, lock in, strap up, and be amazed at what some of your favorite Gold Rush cast members did to defy the impossible yet again!

5.  Parker Schabel Legalizes Marijuana

In case you missed our 800 other blog posts lamenting the fact that Parker Schnabel legalized marijuana on camp grounds, here it is again.  Before we dive in though, there’s something you, our esteemed readers, need to know: MattyTV’s pro-legalization!  That’s right, we’re all for toking up…..we just don’t do it ourselves.

Anyways, moving on.

So Parker Schnabel smokes weed…. but what’s his favorite device to smoke out of?

Good question with an even better answer!

Some time back on September 11th, 2009, as young Parker went to light up a bowl filled of his favorite strand of  Afghan Kush, Afghan Kush, something funny happened…he broke his bowl!

Admittedly, that last part wasn’t funny.  What is though is that because he was out in the Alaskan wilderness doing a lonely stoner hike that more than enough of us do but don’t like to admit, Parker came across a stray cat….and the rest is history.  Now every time Parker goes to smoke a bowl of Afghan Kush, he brings a stray cat.

4. Grandpa Schnabel Smokes Weed

While that above top-5 moment completely sucked, this one you’ll like better: John Schnabel smokes weed.  But then again, so does every other legalized Alaskan.

Yet, there’s just something about John’s weed smoking that’s too interesting to let go?

Luckily again for you, we’ve got an answer: John’s old.  Like mad old.  And someday all of ‘us’ (we’re all about participatory pronouns at MattyTV) will go from wondering what it’s like to smoke weed at that age, to smoking weed at that age.

So why John Schnabel at #4?

Easy.  Because on one episode of Alaska Gold Rush titled “John vs Food,” John Schnabel eats an entire 800,000 calorie burrito in one sitting (fyi, this episode never aired).

The man’s one beast of a stoner, which brings us into moment-you-missed #3.

3.  John and Parker Schnabel Smoke Weed Then Plow Lindsay Lohan

We know, we know.  You clearly get that Parker smokes weed….and John too.

But what you didn’t know is that both men also have the same interest in women; emotionally wrecked and in a state of haze. (‘haze’ is a weed pun we’re told).

The story, according to producers, goes a little like the one outlined below.

John, on a road trip across the great Haines, Alaska wilderness, had just taken 3 blunts to the face in the back of a 76 rest stop.  Realizing he was out of weed, John walked to the front of the rest-stop where Parker and his then girlfriend, Lindsay, we’re curled up in the front of Big Red puffing a Small J.

Somewhat inebriated, John then proceeded to punch a somewhat stoned Lindsay in the face while simultaneously wrestling the half-canoed joint from Parker’s hand.   What happened from there is somewhat fuzzy as Lindsay’s publicists will have you believe one thing, while John’s will have you believe another.

Anyways, what all sources can agree on is what happened next: John and Parker used a snowplow to plow an unconcious Lindsay to the side of the road, leaving her behind in the middle of the frozen Alaskan tundra.

Truly terrible stuff if you ask us.

2. Lindsay Lohan Gets Revenge

Didn’t know Lindsay Lohan was such an integral part of the show?  Well then you’re clearly not a true Gold Rush fan!

Did you honestly think Lindsay Lohan would slowly wither to her death on the side of an Alaskan road?  Of course you did…..but you shouldn’t have.

You see, what we’ve learned over the years as the official, unofficial documentarians of the Gold Rush show (come on, admit it, you’ve seen us before when viewing your Google search results for ‘Gold Rush’), is that if there’s anyone more resilient in this World than Parker Schnabel, it’s Lindsay Lohan.

So how exactly did Lindsay get revenge?  The only way she knows, by suing the shit out of Discovery Channel!

That’s right, why milk the young calf when you can have the cash cow instead?

TMZ even goes so far as to report that Discovery is so bogged down in litigation that the airing of Season 5 is currently in jeopardy.  We repeat, the future airing of Discovery Gold Rush Season 5 is in serious jeopardy!!!

While we can only hope that both parties reach an amicable agreement, it’s probably safe to say that Lindsay Lohan once again somehow managed to come out on top!!

So if Lindsay Lohan isn’t even #1 on our top-5 list, who/what is?

1. Dick Cheney Accidentally Shoots Sarah Palin

Nevermind.  Wrong list!

1.  Todd Hoffman’s Secret Affair

“What?” you’re probably asking yourself.  “Isn’t he divorced and destined for a single life of loneliness?”

Well, yes, obviously.  But what we’re talking about his secret side affair that NONE of you even know about.

Todd Hoffman, according to The Daily Fisherman, is in love with Mary Jane!!!

That’s right, Todd curls up in bed with Mary on a nightly basis.  We even see a glimpse of this during episode 2 of season 3 under a half-lit, waxing-crescent moon, as a strong north-by-northwest wind rips through the Hoffman campsite pealing open Todd’s cabin door, only to expose him in a state of nakedness as he lights the wrong end of a marijuana joint in his bed.

Very, very disturbing imagery if you ask us!

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the top-5 unaired-Gold-Rush moments you didn’t see to date!

Season 5 Gold Rush Alaska

Now that we’ve rattled off our top-5 unaired Gold Rush moments, some of which admittedly weren’t really moments, all of us are excited to see what shenanigans take place next season.

While we can neither confirm nor deny whether Season 5 of the show will air, what we do know is this: we’ll still be there in your search results.

Yep, that’s right, no matter what you do we’ll still be there, so tune back in soon for more riveting journalism!


About Matt H.

Dedicated writer. Tech (in)'trested. Oh, and CEO/creator/chairman of Connect with Matt on Google+

Gold Rush Celebrity Endorses Squatty Potty

Author’s note: this writer totally sold his soul for an affiliate marketing gig in support of Squatty Potty. In no way does Parker Schnabel actually endorse the Squatty Potty!  We, on the other hand, do.

Squatty Potty Time Bitches!

Golden showers, crack cocaine, and jungle swamp ass.

And this was just the first episode of Season 5!

Gold Rush Season 5
Gold Rush Season 5 started off with a bang!

Unfortunately, like all good things Canadian, Season 5 came and went.  While many of us will miss an oblivious, bald-headed man navigate the jungles of Narnia like a blind Jew navigating Palestine, a little part of us is curious as to ‘what’s next’ for these fabled stars.

Todd Hoffman was just as blind as this Jew in Palestine
Todd Hoffman was just as blind as this Jew in Palestine navigating the jungles!

Will Parker get back with Lindsay? Is Todd too fat to fly? Who the fuck’s Payson?

“Hi, i’m Payson!”

That’s three questions right there!

Three more questions for you to ponder:

Is Todd Gay? Does Parker’s girlfriend exist? Dakota Fred’s son sure is dumb! Wait…..not a question (btw, glad you asked about Parker’s girlfriend).

Yes! that’s correct. We just btw’d the fuck out of that last sentence.

Anyways, while none of these characters will lay eyes upon this author’s scornful lament, the joke really is on all of us. Each of our protagonists got paid! Dumb, stupid pay we might add. And wait until you hear what each of our heroins has in store for us this summer!!!

Parker Schnabel Looks To The Future

Recently MattyTV caught up with the Hollywood Heartthrob outside a Haines, Alaska Discovery Zone where our modern day Botticelli espoused all over our questions.

No leaf was left unturned as we explored everything from Parker’s Ugly Kid Clothing Line to his new celebrity product endorsement, The Squatty Potty. Below are some of the juicier tidbits from our late night one-on-one with the legend himself.

Ugly Kid Clothing Company

For those of you living under a rock, or “The Rock” for that matter, Parker has been sporting his own line of crap clothing for the better part of the past two seasons.

Hi, I'm ugly….so fuck off and go die!
Hi, I’m ugly….so fuck off and die!

From male thongs (extremely popular in the Alaskan summertime as denizens ditch their winter long-johns for something a bit more comfortable) to provocative sweatshirts idolizing the extreme isolation of modern day outcasts in today’s society, Ugly Kid Clothing has won its way into the hearts of mining enthusiasts everywhere.

The Male Thong – a summertime novelty in the great Alaskan outdoors

While times have been good at the Dumb Kid Clothing Company,  Parker still sees room for the brand to grow.

“Ugly Kid Clothing is more than a brand. It’s a lifestyle. A lifestyle of never unwavering, I hate your stupid face, fuck the continental United States, living. Think of it more as a fountain of shit that you drink from everyday.  Each passing sip of shit passes through your body, winding it’s way down a labyrinth of hate and self-loathing, eventually finishing inside a clogged urinal of taco meat and feces. THAT, in a nutshell, is Ugly Kid Clothing.”

When you think Ugly Kid Clothing this is what Parker want’s you to think!

Parker Schnabel’s Girlfriend

When broached about the subject of his sex life, Parker The Beautiful (as no one calls him) was far from bashful.

Parker’s first true love…his excavator!

Parker and his girl, Lawrence of My Labia, according to sources, have been going strong for 12 days and counting.  Regarded as an eternity by Alaskan standards, some close to Parker speculate a marriage proposal’s around the corner, something he refutes with great reprocity.  That said, local sources recently learned of a $2 Million deposit being thrown down at a local Bed, Bath, and Beyond – Parker’s favorite retail store outside his local head shop, Weed Head (sorry Leafly, Weed Head hasn’t quite made it’s way onto your site quite yet).

Should we read much further into his recent purchase of throw pillows? Probably not! Will we? Yes!

So what would Parker tell us about his new found sex life now that he’s no longer dating Lindsay Lohan.

“Well, we have sex.”

Parker Schnabel girlfriend
Parker Schnabel and his girl apparently have sex. Now if it’s with their clothes on or off might be a question for another day.

Truly riveting journalism if you ask us.

So just what is Parker Schnabel’s celebrity net worth?

This question even we were interested in. Once listed as the richest man in all of Haines, Alaska, fame and fortune nearly lead to Parker’s demise.

The man, err woman, who almost ruined young Parker’s life as fortune got to his head

Currently valued at $21, Parker’s unprecedented net worth has seen it’s fair share of ups and downs. However, all that changed when Squatty Potty came knocking.

Signed to a lucrative contract of $12 to be paid out over the duration of 12 years, Parker’s alliance with Squatty Potty services many fronts, most important of which is the Squatty Potty’s ability to ease the tension of shitting while high as more and more states legalize marijuana.

potheads with diarrhea
Potheads afflicted by the severe diarrhea crisis sweeping the nation!

“I really see this as a golden opportunity for me to spread the word… the good word of the lord.”

It’s still very evident that Parker’s severe addiction to sex is clouting his reality.

“What we have here will change the way we interact with our toilets.  Given the alarming rate of state-to-state weed legalization, onsets of diarrhea have become more and more commonplace as citizens experience firsthand munchie onslaughts.  The nation is in a severe diarrhea crisis, and only I can change the fate of the nation by espousing the benefits of the Squatty Potty on the rectal region.”

Celebrities Endorse Squatty Potty
Squatty Potty: control the American Diarrhea crisis NOW! Get your Squatty Potty TODAY!

Interesting.  We had no idea our nation was in such a state of crisis. But still, why the Squatty Potty Parker?

Parker Espouses the Benefits of the Squatty Potty

“My asshole has never felt healthier,” was Parker’s response when we inquired further into his reason for jumping on the Squatty Potty shitwagon.

It’s clearly a subject matter Parker feels passionate about as he delved further and further into the topic with us.

“For too long the issue of ‘shitting’ has been avoided, yet our nation is afflicted by this all too common illness.  We need to take every precaution we can to right this affliction, and my belief is the Squatty Potty is a good place to start”

Parker Schnabel shit
“I’m sick of this shit!” -Parker S.

A very principled man himself, Parker then proceeded into a rather lengthy soliloquy of which we simply sat back and soaked it all in.

“It’s like…it’s like for the first time in my life I feel right.  Having shat wrong all my years, the Squatty Potty’s finally the one stabilizing force in my life. It has a good base, with a comfortable more-than-shoulders-width apart stance, and a solid frame.  I almost feel guilty for shaming my body all these years, doing it a great injustice by not implementing the 35° degree ‘squat’ instead of the 90° degree ‘sit’ i’ve used.  It truly has been a blessing.”

Squatty Potty Squatting 35° angle
90° Degree Sit vs 35° Degree Squat

Future Celebrity Product Endorsements for Parker

While Squatty Potty is a remarkable coup in the name of brand product endorsements for Parker, numerous other product endorsements loom on the horizon as well.

Said to be in the running for Parker’s services are Hershey’s chocolate milk, Ace Hardware’s own wall socket line, and .NET web development services.

Now every time this chocolate passes through your mouth images of Parker will conjure in your head!

But we didn’t want to take uncredited sources for their word, so we stared the hollywood legend point black in the face and asked him ourselves.

Us: “So Parker, are there any other products you have your eye on?”

Parker: “That’s a hard question because it’s hard to not look only at you in the middle of an interview.”

Us: “No, we meant ‘are there any other products you’re looking to for future endorsements?'”

Parker: “Yes.”

A man of few words.  Isn’t that why he’s made it into the hearts, and now the pants, of so many Americans alike?

Future Celebrity Gold Rush Star Product Endorsements

Think Parker’s the only one capitalizing on the new found popularity of Discovery’s Gold Rush Alaska? Think again.

Todd Hoffman Snuggles Himself into Bed

It’d be remisce of us not to mention Todd Hoffman’s startling, yet lucrative, product endorsement this summer: The Snuggie.

Todd Hoffman snuggie
The imagery of Todd Hoffman in a snuggie will already live on in our heads for the rest of our lives

Soon to hit all corner’s of the surface web, Snuggie’s marketing campaign featuring Todd Hoffman is said to have the potential to change the face of advertising forever!

“We at Snuggie truly believe Todd embodies the essence of our not-so-popular product, The Snuggie,” claims Snuggie’s VP of Marketing, Henry Kissinger.  “No one cares about the Snuggie, nobody wants one, and not a single soul remembers what they look like when wearing one, which is why Todd is the perfect face for our product.  Total oblivion”

Like any good gold miner acting on a hope and a prayer, Todd’s woeful financial cry for help has temporarily been answered. But, as we all know, like any good glory hole, eventually the cash benefits run out, leading our fabled miners to look for virgin territory elsewhere.

Dakota Fred courts Rosseta

Often criticized for his inability to articulate the English language even though he’s white, American, and a successful businessman (outside the gold mining profession obviously), the constantly sub-titled Dakota Fred recently got in bed with Rosetta Stone, all of which we get to see on tape.

Dakota Fred Rosetta Stone
This man will master learning Canadian even if it costs him his sanity

Rosetta Stone’s in da house!!!

Known for their ability to trick older professional people into thinking they have enough time in their busy lives to learn another language while raising 3 kids and working an always-on-the-clock corporate gig, Rosetta Stone’s marketing department absolutely marveled at the idea of documenting Dakota Fred’s learning of the Canadian language on camera!

busy dad rosetta stone
“Yeah I’ve got time to learn another language!”

Shelling out a whopping $115 American dollars, Rosetta Stone chronicled every waking hour of Dakota Friend’s life as he sat down in front of a computer screen and struggled with each syllable of an identical dialect of the English language.

Not only does this harrowing film explore one old guy’s attempt to master a foreign substance outside his comfort zone, but it also explores the American state of Education in Alaska as a whole……what???

Hoping he could espouse a little more to us on his arrangement with Rosetta Stone, Dakota abruptly pulled down his pants.

When told what the word “espouse” meant, Dakota pulled up his pants and told us this little gem of a nugget:

“They tell me they think we might be going to Cannes! I sure ain’t heard of any place quite like that before.  Sounds like a land full of ferries bouncing around if you ask me.”

Hmm, interesting.  We can only wish the fine people at Rosetta Stone “good luck” with the upcoming marketing campaign. They’re definitely going to need it.

Rosetta Stone update version 7.0 includes new additions like Canadian, American Ghetto, and Macedonian

The Proverbial What’s Next

So what’s next for our pathetic peripatetic stars? What can we expect in Season 6 of Discovery Gold Rush Alaska and beyond? Well, whatever it is, you know you know where to turn for that kind of information…here!

^By “here” in that last sentence we mean “here at MattyTV.”  Just thought we’d clarify!

Oh, and get a Squatty Potty you morons before it’s too late!

Squatty Potty Time Bitches!

About Matt H.

Dedicated writer. Tech (in)'trested. Oh, and CEO/creator/chairman of Connect with Matt on Google+