Well folks, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve cringed! Tis the price one pays to be a true Gold Rush fan.
But what moments really stick out from the rest? Is it the time Parker Schnabel made-out with his excavator’s bucket after nailing a glorious glory hole? Or perhaps it was the time Todd got stuck in the driver’s seat of his Mazda Miata?
Whatever it was you chose, you’re wrong!
Lucky enough for you though, we’ve compiled the top-5 Discovery Gold Rush moments you didn’t see on TV because they simply weren’t aired; therefore, they weren’t eligible for your top-5.
So please, lock in, strap up, and be amazed at what some of your favorite Gold Rush cast members did to defy the impossible yet again!
5. Parker Schabel Legalizes Marijuana
In case you missed our 800 other blog posts lamenting the fact that Parker Schnabel legalized marijuana on camp grounds, here it is again. Before we dive in though, there’s something you, our esteemed readers, need to know: MattyTV’s pro-legalization! That’s right, we’re all for toking up…..we just don’t do it ourselves.
Anyways, moving on.
So Parker Schnabel smokes weed…. but what’s his favorite device to smoke out of?
Good question with an even better answer!
Some time back on September 11th, 2009, as young Parker went to light up a bowl filled of his favorite strand of Afghan Kush, Afghan Kush, something funny happened…he broke his bowl!
Admittedly, that last part wasn’t funny. What is though is that because he was out in the Alaskan wilderness doing a lonely stoner hike that more than enough of us do but don’t like to admit, Parker came across a stray cat….and the rest is history. Now every time Parker goes to smoke a bowl of Afghan Kush, he brings a stray cat.
4. Grandpa Schnabel Smokes Weed
While that above top-5 moment completely sucked, this one you’ll like better: John Schnabel smokes weed. But then again, so does every other legalized Alaskan.
Yet, there’s just something about John’s weed smoking that’s too interesting to let go?
Luckily again for you, we’ve got an answer: John’s old. Like mad old. And someday all of ‘us’ (we’re all about participatory pronouns at MattyTV) will go from wondering what it’s like to smoke weed at that age, to smoking weed at that age.
So why John Schnabel at #4?
Easy. Because on one episode of Alaska Gold Rush titled “John vs Food,” John Schnabel eats an entire 800,000 calorie burrito in one sitting (fyi, this episode never aired).
The man’s one beast of a stoner, which brings us into moment-you-missed #3.
3. John and Parker Schnabel Smoke Weed Then Plow Lindsay Lohan
We know, we know. You clearly get that Parker smokes weed….and John too.
But what you didn’t know is that both men also have the same interest in women; emotionally wrecked and in a state of haze. (‘haze’ is a weed pun we’re told).
The story, according to producers, goes a little like the one outlined below.
John, on a road trip across the great Haines, Alaska wilderness, had just taken 3 blunts to the face in the back of a 76 rest stop. Realizing he was out of weed, John walked to the front of the rest-stop where Parker and his then girlfriend, Lindsay, we’re curled up in the front of Big Red puffing a Small J.
Somewhat inebriated, John then proceeded to punch a somewhat stoned Lindsay in the face while simultaneously wrestling the half-canoed joint from Parker’s hand. What happened from there is somewhat fuzzy as Lindsay’s publicists will have you believe one thing, while John’s will have you believe another.
Anyways, what all sources can agree on is what happened next: John and Parker used a snowplow to plow an unconcious Lindsay to the side of the road, leaving her behind in the middle of the frozen Alaskan tundra.
Truly terrible stuff if you ask us.
2. Lindsay Lohan Gets Revenge
Didn’t know Lindsay Lohan was such an integral part of the show? Well then you’re clearly not a true Gold Rush fan!
Did you honestly think Lindsay Lohan would slowly wither to her death on the side of an Alaskan road? Of course you did…..but you shouldn’t have.
You see, what we’ve learned over the years as the official, unofficial documentarians of the Gold Rush show (come on, admit it, you’ve seen us before when viewing your Google search results for ‘Gold Rush’), is that if there’s anyone more resilient in this World than Parker Schnabel, it’s Lindsay Lohan.
So how exactly did Lindsay get revenge? The only way she knows, by suing the shit out of Discovery Channel!
That’s right, why milk the young calf when you can have the cash cow instead?
TMZ even goes so far as to report that Discovery is so bogged down in litigation that the airing of Season 5 is currently in jeopardy. We repeat, the future airing of Discovery Gold Rush Season 5 is in serious jeopardy!!!
While we can only hope that both parties reach an amicable agreement, it’s probably safe to say that Lindsay Lohan once again somehow managed to come out on top!!
So if Lindsay Lohan isn’t even #1 on our top-5 list, who/what is?
1. Dick Cheney Accidentally Shoots Sarah Palin
Nevermind. Wrong list!
1. Todd Hoffman’s Secret Affair
“What?” you’re probably asking yourself. ”Isn’t he divorced and destined for a single life of loneliness?”
Well, yes, obviously. But what we’re talking about his secret side affair that NONE of you even know about.
Todd Hoffman, according to The Daily Fisherman, is in love with Mary Jane!!!
That’s right, Todd curls up in bed with Mary on a nightly basis. We even see a glimpse of this during episode 2 of season 3 under a half-lit, waxing-crescent moon, as a strong north-by-northwest wind rips through the Hoffman campsite pealing open Todd’s cabin door, only to expose him in a state of nakedness as he lights the wrong end of a marijuana joint in his bed.
Very, very disturbing imagery if you ask us!
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the top-5 unaired-Gold-Rush moments you didn’t see to date!
Season 5 Gold Rush Alaska
Now that we’ve rattled off our top-5 unaired Gold Rush moments, some of which admittedly weren’t really moments, all of us are excited to see what shenanigans take place next season.
While we can neither confirm nor deny whether Season 5 of the show will air, what we do know is this: we’ll still be there in your search results.
Yep, that’s right, no matter what you do we’ll still be there, so tune back in soon for more riveting journalism!