There’s a new craze hitting porn sets everywhere and it’s a lot cleaner than you might think.
It’s name? Squatty Potty.
That’s right, America’s hottest thing with two wooden legs has now penetrated the porn scene with alarming alacrity (seriously, we’re not joking). And it’ll be awhile before this controversial trend goes away.
Squatty Potty’s Porn Star Origins
For those of you who don’t know, and i’m sure that’s all of you, the Squatty Potty (and what i’m about to say is taken straight from the website’s meta tag) is a:
Toilet Stool for Colon Health. It ends painful hemorrhoids, helps avoid constipation, prevents Colon Disease, assists those with Pelvic Floor issues, and (lastly) helps EVERYONE poop faster and more effectively.
To add a little more context to it’s mormon roots, the Squatty Potty was initially conceived on the Silicon Slopes of Utah to help birthing Mormon mother’s of 12 effectively eliminate the constant pains from sitting all day that were greatly exacerbated when they sat down to poop.
As a quick aside, Squatty Potty was also voted Y Combinator’s 2013 Invention Of The Year. Why it was even in the running is beyond this author’s digital acuity.
So why then Porn?
Well, according to famed porn director Javier Popa, the answer is threefold.
“Given the alarming demand for anal porn among sub-Saharan nations, the amount of foreign objects, both animate and inanimate, entering the average porn star’s anal cavity have increased by 5x over the past two years. To combat this growing trend of excessively sodomized a**holes, more and more directors have introduced the fabled Squatty Potty to their sets in order to alleviate any backlog of fecal substance jammed waaaaay up in the anal cavity. At the end of the day, it’s first and foremost a matter of personal health for our actors.”
Javier’s second point is a little more within the norm of what we might expect.
“Secondly, the Squatty Potty has made poop fetisher’s most wild dreams become actual realities. The poop used in pooping scenes is now ten times more robust, five times more pungent, and three times larger in diameter. Those of us in the business who incorporate the Squatty Potty into our films can expect a vast array of benefits than those who don’t.”
“Better accuracy. More return on investment. And most importantly, a smaller radius of cleanup area on set.”
Javier’s third point as to why more director’s use the Squatty Potty on set is a little less exciting than his former two.
“Lastly, the Squatty Potty has reduced the amount of time we spend on bathroom breaks. It’s baked right into their mission statement, isn’t it? ‘Squatty Potty helps everyone poop FASTER and more effectively.’ So now the average time spent on set has decreased roughly 10%.”
Porn Stars Endorse The Squatty Potty
It’s not just the directors espousing the benefits of the Squatty Potty. The Porn Stars themselves have a lot of good things to say.
“My anus has never felt looser” dictated Heinrich Himmler Hammer, famed German anal porn star extraordinaire.
“My s**t’s insane” lauded Natasha Buttingfield, full-time pooping video vixen and part-time Natasha Bedingfield impersonator.
One porn star who really sang Squatty Potty’s praises was Amanda Asschwitz.
“I used to dread anal days on set. Seriously, I hated them. Now I’m genuinely excited when I show up and ‘Anal Scenes’ are listed on the day’s shot list. It makes me so happy. I did 13 anal scenes the other day and unloaded Sasquatch-sized poops in-between each one. Thank you Squatty Potty!”
From God’s mouth to our ears, the Squatty Potty is having a profound impact on the way contemporary society does porn.
Celebrities Getting In On The Poop Porn Squatty Potty Action
Don’t think the tangible benefits of the Squatty Potty are being limited to the dim lit backrooms of porn sets. Hollywood has also started getting in on the action.
Parker Schnabel, famed Discovery Gold Rush superstar and no stranger to the spotlight, recently made his intentions known regarding the popular trend.
“Yeah, I made poop porn,” stated Parker. “I filmed, starred, and directed it all.”
Pressed on the issue, Parker had this to say.
“Look, as you probably know already I endorsed the Squatty Potty way before any other celebrity even knew what it was. Squatty Potty is near and dear to me, and given my chronic Marijuana addiction, it’s a godsend when it comes to the aftermath of those late night munchie marathons.”
But how does this relate to your porn career Parker?
“I’ve made three poop porns in the last three days, all featuring either my girlfriend Lawrence or brother Payson. You can read about them on Pornhub.”
That we will Parker. That we will.
Parker Schnabel Does Porn
Following up on our interview with Parker Schnabel as any good, accredit news outlet would, we took to IMDB for a quick synopsis of all three films. Amazingly, all three somehow incorporated the Squatty Potty (the kid’s a genius. A true Scorsese).
Below are the reapings of our findings.
1. Dirty Nuggets: Set in modern day Haines, Alaska, this film stars a soiled Parker returning home from a hard day’s work in the muddy Alaskan mines only to find his brother Payson using his Squatty Potty without his consent. What ensues can only be described as illegal, immoral, and down right dirty. Feces flies, unregistered firearms are shot, and pay dirt gets corrupted as this 30-minute avant-garde frolic unfolds containing a 10-minute dookie chucking session and a naked guest appearance by Todd Hoffman who accidentally walks into the wrong trailer with a two-foot bomb poking out his rear buttocks.
MattyTV rating: 2 stars
2. Glory Hole Tapping: More intimate in its inherent nature, Glory Hole tapping explores the world of poop fetishes as Parker and his girlfriend take to the outer-banks of the Alaskan wilderness to explore the limits of their love life equipped with only a Squatty Potty and their two naked bodies. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll most likely squeam in your pants, this film is generally not intended for the faint of heart. That said, for those of you who do watch you’ll never look at your Squatty Potty in the same light as you did before.
MattyTV rating: 4 stars
3. No Butthole Left Uncleaned: Featuring a vast array of panoramic views and 3D shots you never imagined could be captured on camera, this Docuporn exposes an imaginative Parker utilizing every position and procedure outlined in the Urban Dictionary to defecate while using his Sqatty Potty. Like something out of an artsy Shia Labeouf film school short, the viewer will not be left without some feeling of transcendental uplifting for having watched this gem. With a run time of 4 hours, all shot from his girlfriend’s phone, you’ll see Parker like you’ve never seen him before (i.e naked with his legs spread firmly apart).
MattyTV rating: 3 horrifiying stars
From Porn To Parker
Well there you have it people, the Squatty Potty in all it’s fecal glory.
If you haven’t already, please be sure to get your Squatty Potty by clicking the image below.